This is how much you aged in 2017, the longest year in history
2016, I'm apologize for anything I subtweeted about you. I'll do anything to get you and your nice dead celebrities back.
Thanks to Donald Trump and a little shit named Jared Kushmer, Americans have undergone an accelerated aging process in the past year. News cycles that used to go on for months now last about, oh, an hour. We don't have any time to mourn national tragedies because we're so worried that Trump's latest tweet will hurtle us into a nuclear showdown and none of us have had any time to pick up groceries before it all goes down.
2017 was the longest year in our modern history, at least for sheltered Obama millennials, and it's not over yet.
SEE ALSO:2017 was the year late night grew up, and we did tooAnxiety can alter our perception of time and decelerate our experience of events. There's a real scientific basis to the exhausted Twitter meme that 2017 made us so old. When people undergo trauma, even when they're not its direct victims, disorientation follows. Think of how many times the past year Trump has passed or said something downright demented and you've had to fear for yourself and your friends.
Via GiphyIt's hard for your brain to record new events when it hasn't effectively processed the nerve-wracking old ones, psychiatrists say. There's just no time to properly grieve something like Charlottesville when you're screaming on the phone at Marco Snoozio every day, trying to convince him that throwing millions of tiny babies off healthcare is ... bad.
Want to see how much you've aged? Take a look at this list of events and see if you can remember any of it happening in 2017.
1. Trump forced his Press Secretary to get on the air in the middle of the day and lie about his inauguration crowd size.
Via GiphyAnd so began the next chapter in our Twitter timelines, titled "I want to die."
2.Trump signed a Muslim ban and we all ran to the airport by choice to save America
This weekend was so bad, our brains pretty much stopped recording new memories to protect the good ones we still had. For many of us, this process had already in the 2015 Democratic primary.
3. Kendall Jenner attempted to solve centuries of systematic racial oppression with a can of Pepsi
Via GiphyIn her defense, cans of soda are way better than bottles of it and Pepsi has always been superior to Coke. Just the facts, folks.
4. The President and the Press Secretary revealed that they didn't know that Frederick Douglass was dead
This was the kind of national embarrassment we learned would now be called "funny."
5. The President tweeted the word "covfefe" in the middle of the night and the Press Secretary defended him for it
Via GiphySure sure, this is a hallmark of an authoritarian regime -- but we got some really good memes out of it.
6. We had the largest mass shooting in modern American history, and Congress passed absolutely nothing in response.
Wouldya look at those hot hot thoughts and prayers though?
7. Two adorable little kids interrupted their BBC reporter father's broadcast.
So this just happened on @BBCWorld - Love the kids! @Robert_E_Kelly pic.twitter.com/p95rtJVLnN
— (((colin))) (@colinjwright) March 10, 2017
Yep, it happened this year. It was one of like three happy moments in 2017, so you better tattoo it on your soul or something.
8. Republican candidate Greg Gianforte bodyslams a reporter, and Montana issues a collective "meh"
It was right around that time I lost feeling in my heart and started recording House Hunters-Anywhere Else on HGTV.
9. Trump pardoned Sheriff Joe Arpaio the same week he defended a homicidal Nazi parade
I apologize for reminding you all of this moment and encourage you to buy some dumb selfish expensive candles immediately.
10. The president initiated a war with a gold star widow
As one does, when one's a racist maniac.
11. Moonlight won best picture over La La Land and the announcers screwed it all up
Via GiphyThis was the kind of minor live television trauma we can all get behind.
12. Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore issued a ringing defense of slavery
This one was easy to forget, because we were all too busy with the pesky pedophilia thing.
13. Hurricane Harvey carried Houston deep underwater
Via GiphyThe hurricane devastated large swathes of Texas previously untouched by natural disaster. Are people there okay? Let's be honest, we have no idea.
14. April the Giraffe gave birth to a baby
Via GiphyHow old is that baby now, 200?
15. Trump nearly initiated a nuclear war with North Korea like, 10 times, and called its leader short and fat.
Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me "old," when I would NEVER call him "short and fat?" Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend - and maybe someday that will happen!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 12, 2017
Who could forget this tweet that made my heart stop beating and forced me to call my family members and tell them I loved them?
16. A Croatian war criminal poisoned himself in court and nobody even cared
The @guardian: @AndrejPlenkovic is the first PM of an #EU country issuing a declaration in support of a convicted war criminal https://t.co/zS4Xp4Qb8e #Croatia
— Nedad Memić (@NedadMemic) December 3, 2017
Sorry, we had a few too many things to be paralyzingly depressed about that day.
17. Over 4 million people showed up to the Women's March in January, the largest in U.S. History.
Via GiphyIt's impossible to remember anything in 2017. Try and hold onto the good memories for as long as you can, even if they're just corny GIFs tucked at the back of your brain. It's never been a better time to be cheesy, pussy hats and all.
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